…means leaving LA. Leaving my community. Leaving my adopted home. And as excited as I am about this new chapter, the truth is I love it here, and I’m truly sad about moving, even to step into my long-awaited future. The spiral is turning again, and I have to retread my old steps with new intention, learn what I missed before. Journey with open eyes this time, seeing what I missed in my past incarnation. I’m going to live a new life in an old space…being present this time instead of dreaming of another life entirely. God help me. Help me continue to hear your voice and see your patterns. Help me love as fiercely as I do now. Help me keep myself whole. Help me find true friends for our new life. Help me do good, and not just do well. May this new chapter be the beginning of a great new story, filled with love and light. Amen.
I end this year wiser, having learned much more about myself and what the reality of my dreams looks like, feels like. It’s the feels like that’s what’s important. Who cares what it looks like? Only I know what it feels like when I know I’m following my path. Only I know the joy of watching my now-sober husband, a man so different from me, be so perfect for filling the hole in my children’s lives. Only I know the pride in watching them thrive. Keeping my eyes on the prize and they are the prize…may I keep my sight clear this year.
I miss my husband, the man who used to loll happily on the couch with me, discussing the day’s events. I miss the man who knew more news than me, who was connected to the universe. I miss his easy smile, his gleeful insistence that yes, he could do that amazing stunt we just saw or eat that disgusting thing in one bite. I miss his surety that he would succeed, if he just kept trying. I miss him stepping outside for a one hour conference call, at 10 pm or 10 am, didn’t matter. I miss him reaching for me in the dark, holding me close.
I hope that man comes back to me someday, after a long road and a hard journey. I’ll try to hold on to that hope through this long, lonely night.
Shiva, the destroyer. Shiva, the Jewish tradition of a period of mourning after a death (or a great loss, if no body is recovered). Shiva, the great teacher.
I feel like I should sit shiva tonight, because my true love is gone. I hope not gone forever, but he is gone. He has never run away from me as he did today. And I am left bereft, an agunah, married to a ghost while he drowns in a vortex of self-loathing.
Back to being broken…
My heart has never
been this broken, as I heave
my insides into
the open toilet mouth
each spasm echoing pain
each retching sob etched
pictures of you from not long
ago, when we were
happy. weren’t we?
But you left me in drunken
fucking asshole, prick,
leaving me more broken than
you found me. And why?
Because you want a
fucking drink, you absolute
shit. You. Left. Me. Get
that through your addled
skull. You. Left. Me. And I hope
wherever you are
You are happy now
playing with your demon thoughts
As I retch, broken.
On this day, four weeks after my wedding, another season is slowly ending. I’m becoming more of who I thought I always wanted to be, in the real world. And why not? There’s good benefits, decent pay, prestige and excitement waiting to be had.
But I know that it’s not what I want, and my purpose lies elsewhere. I just can’t figure out where that elsewhere is.
So this is what I need now – a new quest, with a true partner at my side. Where is my purpose, at this point? What is the key to defining me? And how can I do that and support my family?
Good questions. Answers still remain to be seen.
We interrupt this hectic afternoon in an office with some peace and beauty…