Responsible

Ok. I really mean it this time. Time to grow the f*** up. Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. But when I look at the ridiculous financial decisions I’ve made in my 20 years of adult (that is, post-high school) life, I just can’t believe that I’ve just been such a child.

I kept believing that if I just grew my income enough, then it would match my lifestyle at some point, and the finances would balance out. A holistic healer once told me that money is just another form of energy, that as it comes and goes, it mirrors the energy flows in my soul. And I have a very bad tendency to just let it slip out, flow out into the world without a care or thought to whether it depletes me.

And then there was the working myself to the bone phase, the cycle that left me feeling so broken I had to shut down completely and reboot, just to make it bearable. Never again.

So, starting this week, with this next cycle’s beginning, I have a new resolution and a concrete resolve. Grow up. Treat my energy with the respect it deserves, and start paying real attention to the flow. Time to be responsible for every choice, no matter how small.

Boyfriend

It’s such a strange word….boyfriend. The last time I had one of those, I was only 24. I honestly thought I had outgrown it, in some sense. That any relationship I would be in would jump from dating to fiancĂ© (hell, maybe skip the dating part even, like I was some kind of Disney princess)- and why not? Wouldn’t I already know that was what I wanted, and wouldn’t that be the whole point? Wouldn’t that make a great story? Like my friend Helena (sidenote – as a Shakespeare addict, one of my all-time favorite names), who went on a first date and ended up engaged at the end of the night. True story. They’ve been married for over 30 years. Wouldn’t that be just so wonderfully dramatic?

But, to my surprise, I have a boyfriend…and yes I love him, but I love IT too. The title. The in-betweenness of it. The pacing of slowly meeting the people in each other’s world, of seeing what that feels like and whether it works (and so far, so good there!) The careful deliberate consideration of what the word means, of what we mean. The dealing with the leftovers we each still have.

I mean, let’s face it. We both were different people just two months ago, at least in terms of connections and expectations. We both are slowly coming out of times of major transitions. We both are sick of drama, and cautious of causing pain, and grateful to have found someone so compatible in so many ways….so, a good start. We both have lived through enough to know that a good start is just that – a start. We both have the tendency to jump into the future, but this is thankfully forcing us to pay attention, close attention, to the present.

I didn’t think I wanted a boyfriend, but it feels right…maybe I’ve finally lost my taste for the stupidly dramatic. Maybe not – my first birthday present to him involves fireworks, because why should it be small? Still, it’s progress for me that these are literal…I’ll keep my feet on the ground as I marvel at the show in the sky.