Under Attack

At this point, I’m an expert on psychological, spiritual attacks. I know what they feel like. I know that it’s a gut feeling (and a headache!) that has nothing to do with logic or how anyone would expect reasonable people to behave. And I know the signs – the expressed concern for only doing what’s best for me, the attempt to cut me off from my support system and make me feel alone in my pain, the nearly abusive options presented next to the merely entirely unreasonable, to make me “choose” something I don’t want to do. Lead me down a dark path of submission I don’t want to be on.

I’ve traveled this road before, and I know where it leads – back to doubting my every move, every feeling, every instinct. Back to letting someone else define me. It’s a soul-killing way to live.

But worse, even more destructive I’ve found, is to fight back in pain and anger. The lashing out ends up doing more collateral damage, and I become the worse for it.

So what can I do? Breathe deeply and slowly and send my energies to support my defenses, that shining golden bubble surrounding me in light. Rest when I can, and respect how draining this is for me. Send love and healing to my attackers, both in my mind and in the real world, with open and vulnerable communication. Stand firm, but with a soft hand and apologies for any pain my standing causes them. These are not always easy things, these skills I’ve been working on for years.

I hope they work well here, because I have a feeling that this is one of the things I came here to do…leave them with grace, both mine and theirs. Even if I’m being attacked on my way out.

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